i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
