so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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