i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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