Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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