Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
