help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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