I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
