i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
