She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
