Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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