I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
