i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Randomize
