Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
