guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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