OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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