Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize