he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
