We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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