Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
