I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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