my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
