I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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