What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
