I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I cannot find my penis.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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