I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
