Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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