His pubic hair was longer than his dick
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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