Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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