you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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