Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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