some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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