Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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