so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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