I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
