Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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