Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
