Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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