I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
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"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
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I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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