And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
