my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I had to cum in my sink.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
