the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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