Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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