I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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