apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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