respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
