I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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