New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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