Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
