there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize