Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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