I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
