1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
