I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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