My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
