rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
