Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
