why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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