i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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