Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
