those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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