It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
