you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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