He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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