Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
