Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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