Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
